Thursday, February 14, 2008

It Is Thursday.

It feels good to be on familiar ground, even if it's only the familiarity of being confused about which day of the week it is. I lost Wednesday. Never mind.

Geoff is on the riding mower, taking 6 inches off the lawn... about 2 acres of lawn that wraps around the house, up and down the lot. He follows the fence line along the gulch and down to the avocado orchard, around the breadfruit tree and the banyans. Ruth, Maria and I followed him to the bottom of the lot, where we found more guavas ripening in the sun. Gracie, the cat, made stealthy appearances, emerging suddenly from the undergrowth. Alex and William have been pacing around the coconut trees, engaged in their usual dialogue about inventions, possibilities, options, designs, theories and dreams. Max is still waiting for that swim, and in the meantime he's filled a bucket with plump, juicy water-balloons and he's aching to test them.

We'll be flying home fairly soon, so I made an initial pass of packing, sorting and organizing. For 6 people, we pack light, but I know we are taking home more than we came with. Maria has a bear from Kona hospital now... long story, with happy ending. I'll share it sometime. The prospect of leaving is sad, almost scary, because we can't be sure when we will return... if we will ever return, and we will certainly have to face another degree of acceptance that things have changed... changed a lot.

Happy Valentine's Day.
I meant to make something of it this year, inspired by the creativity and optimism of so many other bloggers, but I think this year it will remain what it usually is: Another day in February. Maybe I should look for a bite of chocolate...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sad, Homesick, Tender, Wistful and Looking Forward to a Swim

Yes, all that and still no pictures. Everyone is sad. Maria is very homesick and consequently very cranky tender. It is hard to understand the odd mix of emotions we are experiencing... We love it here, in Hawaii. It feels like home, or a part of the home we have been trying to get to, and all around us there is such profound beauty, inspiration, spirit... it contradicts the ache and grief we carry.

The wind chimes ring playfully in the cool breeze, in the distance we see the snow capped Mauna Kea, with the telescopes and observatories. On Saturday, Margie and I saw a whale... we were sitting together during Jim's memorial, exchanging comfort and memories, when the whale spouted and breached. I smell flowers and hear chickens and roosters, and Maria is learning how to hula. There is so much to enjoy and savor and celebrate and then it is all diminshed by the realization that someone is missing. He loved it here most of all of us, and he would have loved to see his grandchildren flying the kite, fixing the tractor, collecting guavas, practicing the hula in a shell lei and grass skirt. It's hard not to call his name: Corm, come here. You have to see this. It's hard not being able to ask him the name of that tree or whether we should use 4 wheel drive to get down to Waipio Valley. It's his truck. He should be here.

The last time we were here he took us to Spencer Park State Beach. It was really windy. Really windy. We could hardly swim, let alone keep our towels and hats from blowing to Fiji. We took a hike down an old Hawaiian trail, exploring with Poppa-Corn Man, and he regaled us with Island history, legend and folklore. Suddenly the path opened onto a white sand beach, with water the color of a clear blue sky. We were sheltered from the wind and the water was sheltered from the heavy surf, so the boys and I were able to swim and float and immerse ourselves... Maybe longing for a swim could be seen as somewhat irreverent, but it isn't, not here. A swim, hula lessons, stretching out on the lawn and whistling on blades of grass... we could not do better to honor and remember this man that we love and miss.

Update: Far from our usual tools and resources, Geoff still manages to find a way for me to post some images.
Update II: These are ginormous! LOL
Update III(02/23/08): The photos are fixed.

Sunday, February 10, 2008


Posting from Hawaii... everyday I think about blogging and about what I could say. There hasn't been time to sit down and write, which is just as well, because I don't know what to say.

Weather: It rained and rained and rained, and the wind has been blowing too. It's been beautiful, in a forces of nature kind of way. And when the sky clears we can see stars upon stars, upon stars, which is beautiful too. Then today the sky was very clear, all day, and it was hot and humid too.

The Children: They have been quiet and sad, patient too, and also sick, especially Max. Max was throwing-up yesterday. He seems better today. Maria is homesick and kind of turned around about things... all the new faces and comings and goings, the solemn faces and crying. William and Alex have been helpful and mature.

Thank you so much for all of the support, prayers and kindness. We have been overcome with grief, and the love and concern people have extended to us has been encouraging and very helpful. All of my deep thoughts have been a mess muddled and confused, and I have been very sad thinking of things that were left unsaid... I guess, I just want to be sure to express my gratitude, my respect and affection for the family and friends in my life.

I am thinking what a poorly written post this is, and yet how well it reflects my state of mind... dazed, confused, turned around, tired and sleepy, very sad, uncertain.

Tomorrow I will tell you about rainbows, chickens, cane fields and plumeria leis. I hope I can post some pictures too... of a gardenia and a Christmas tree, and Maria dancing in the airport terminal. Life goes on.