She sat across from me. The drunkladydriver. She didn't know me. I recognized her, for sure. A court building is a very sad place. That's what I learned. I saw men in chain cuffs, and women crying for their sons, I saw a woman with an ankle bracelet, and a very large party of friends and family with buttons and photo albums. The buttons were a photograph of a young woman, smiling, and everyone was there in her honor, in her memory, looking sad, and determined. I suppose they were there for the sentencing of someone that did something wrong, bad. Most people in the building were in a hurry, or anxious, frustrated, or beleaguered. Everyone looked like they could use a hug. Everyone. The defense attorney whispered in DUI's ear, they both smiled, satisfied with something. And the judge, eventually gave them access to my phone records. They must have been quite pleased, because her attorney has been angling to make me at fault... somehow. I left feeling sad for all the anguish and suffering at the courthouse, and sad for me, because this is all getting drawn out, and ridiculous, and I want to be free. "Next week," the DA explained, "There will be another hearing and the judge will determine whether to proceed with the August 1 trial, where you will testify and be cross-examined." And then we drove home.
And... I line my nest with every soft and gentle experience and activity I can, like washing fruit, listening to music, resting on a heating pad, holding my cat, or one of the very ridiculously fluffy pillows I've been gathering. And I sit in the garden. Today, I climbed up into the apricot tree. It's not a very tall tree, but it felt daring, exhilarating. I wanted to be strong, to feel strong, and if I was going to be scared or hurt, I wanted it to be from something real. Does that make sense?
The morning was awful, honestly. And waiting for next week isn't great either. And I don't profess to be a Pollyanna, or even to possess some infinite inner strength, resolve... but I love Geoff, and I love William, Alex, Max, and Maria. I love our home, and plans, and the bowls in my kitchen. I love that Geoff says, "Go get a massage," and "Draw some rattys." I can climb an apricot tree, and make refrigerator jam, and play solitaire til 1 am. I don't text and drive, and I wasn't at fault, and when this is over, I will feel a lot better... I hope I will feel a whole lot better.