Tuesday, February 06, 2024

Incrementally Smaller

Intentions, and process. I was going to say "intentions and results," but that would be to deny that I make some progress, eventually. I did unravel the tangles, I even enjoyed the task. And I did mend a favorite sweater, which was my intention. So, that's good. I am just trying to unravel why I struggle so with the process. Ah, but why feign ignorance? I have a rather solid understanding of why I am struggling.
It feels like my accomplishments, even my goals, are becoming incrementally smaller and smaller. I like to stay home. I like to drive the slow way. I want to avoid the crowds, the rush, the places where freeways merge. I need long stretches of time and empty space between errands. I think... I am becoming incrementally smaller.
There are still so many things that I discover I had forgotten (a souvenir from the drunkladydriver incident.) Recently I was thinking of journaling like I did many years ago, when I made lists of things I love. Those lists, probably from middle school, were so much fun to make, so gratifying. I felt like it was a means of tallying up all the tangible evidence of me, of who I was and what I was made of. It felt like a comforting way to identify who I am and to be recognizable, to myself. It's not so hard to lose that sense. That sense of knowing, and feeling recognized.
I should probably list things that need to get done, too. That is a seemingly infinite list, and daunting, too. But, for the record... I completed a big one: We have countertops installed in the little house. The ADU. Accessory Dwelling Unit. The granny flat. I want to name the new house, and I like The Greenhouse. When we first tried buying our home, I called it The Blue House, and by the time we moved in, years later, it had become The Bird House. This paragraph is already a fine example of assembled tangents, and so I will add one more... there can be no doubt of the diagnosis, I definitely have ADHD. Now, to the lists. I am going to find some paper, and a good pen.