Thursday, December 15, 2005

Okay. If I am going to "blah, blah, blah" and express every other emotional spark that crosses my threshold, then I guess I'd better be prepared to explain myself.

1. I am not depressed. I do get severely bummed, but in an explicable, non-chemical-imbalance kind of way.

2. I agree, Chickenblog should not be my public forum for all my dirty laundry and unseemly thoughts voiced aloud.

3. I disagree. Chickenblog is a perfectly suitable place for me to let it all hang out... we all need an outlet for our issues and stresses... for some it's coffee, then gin, or coffee and gin, for some it's running, shopping, manicures, or online poker, the perfect lipstick, yoga... Writing about my fears and disappointments, worries, wrinkles, gray hairs, backed-up sinks, and other daily grime is a means of managing reality, and it never overrides the predominate feeling of awe, wonder, gratitude and amusement I feel about my life.

4. Darn. I don't have a fourth point, but I really felt like I was on a role, and having a fourth point seemed like the best way to make my insights legitimate.

5. My mom made a point... next time I feel slighted I need to address the issue head on, so I don't let it fester (my words, not hers) and stagnate and spill-over and make me feel pitiful and small and unworthy and confused... something like that.

6. William just told me there will be a sequel to Elf. Elf 2! 2007! See? Life is a balance. And now, even though Maria has a mystery rash, El Nopalito burned down and I still haven't found the nerve to call Bob the landlord, I feel happy, optimistic, hopeful, encouraged.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Canada is one of our possible options, so I tried to find interesting Canadian facts for William, who does not want to leave his motherland.
There are Famous Canadians. And you can make beautiful train trips in Canada via Rail Canada. In Canada you can prepare figgy duff, fried cod tongues and other Canadian Recipes. A first glance at the "Introduction to the Government of Canada Official Web Site"shows they like red. William likes red.

He probably won't appreciate that I am trying to make light of all this, trying to find the silver lining. Life is taking a new direction and, until we stop spinning, we aren't even sure which direction we are heading. It won't be easy for any of us. Yesterday I didn't want to accept anything, except disappointment. Yesterday all I could think about were the things I lost, the plans that were dissolving, the effort that seemed to be for nothing. It's still utterly frustrating. So, maybe I shouldn't rib William about Canada's good points, or insist he see the bright side. Like me, he may need to slowly find his way to accepting the inevitable changes. We have a lot to get used to, and we tend to consider everybody's feelings, so emotionally this has become overwhelming.

... let me interrupt myself a moment... I was sharing some of our concerns with some people last summer, explaining that in Hawaii jobs are scarce so if we lived there we'd have to be careful, and someone responded, "So, you'd have start to living like the rest of us." I should have asked her on the spot, "What does that mean?" I have been wondering what she meant ever since. I should have asked her to explain: "How have we been so unlike everyone else, so unlike her?" She seemed to hold some particular beliefs and opinions about us, and the way she delivered her statement left me hurt and confused. Shame on me for not taking up the issue directly. I just recently learned about myself that I am so fearful of rejection that I won't stand-up for myself. I think I had better learn to believe that rejecting myself is far more damaging than calling someone on an ignorant and chicken@#&! remark.... anyway, that's a deep thought I just needed to put out there....

The boys are still coughing, but gone are the 105 degree fevers. Maria got sick too. Her first illness, poor baby. Christmas is 11 days away. Tomorrow is Holly's birthday. Next week we want to go see Grandma in Pasadena, make tamales, send greeting cards. I'm just going to take things step by step, enjoy what's good, figure out the rest.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I was away for awhile. Did you miss me?

First I Googled "How to stop being bitter."

Then I looked for other blogs. There are millions. Most of them are more sophisticated than mine. A Bored Housewife in Utah posts artistic photographs of her cleavage, and wears jewelry in her nose. Plus her house looks really clean. Not just surface clean, but genuinely sanitary, organized. Another woman is enjoying literally thousands of visitors to her blog. She says she's a 'geek' and wants to 'explore geek subjects like internet marketing.'

My Google search for petty emotions yielded several gossip sites and an article about weddings and how they make people jealous.

So, I wasn't actually away, gone. I was just surfing the w.w.w. After awhile of slipping from one link to another... from Utah to New Hampshire, to New Jersey then to Amsterdam, you start to feel like you have left your own corner of the world. I did. I felt far away.
Maybe we should get back on the road and just be Under Aged RVers.
We're still trying to zero in on a place to work and live. Maybe we can put this tool to work for us. "Pin our Tails on the Planet."

Monday, December 12, 2005

Peppermint Memories

One of the candy canes was broken. I slipped a red and white shard onto my tongue and let the peppermint dissolve. Candy cane tastes like visiting Santa at the mall, shop windows painted with wreaths and holly, the glow of stop and go lights on the rainy drive home. I'd like to let my mom brush and braid my hair. I would like to wear new pajamas and watch Christmas cartoons in bed. I'd like to slow down, without falling behind, slow down and absorb a little more peppermint.

Four Is Just Right

I know 4 children is supposed to be a lot, but looking at the picture of them piled together, happy, healthy, they don't look like too many to me.

Unless... maybe when they're hungry and at a restaurant they order five dollar quesadillas, and then ask for seconds.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Our Oregon Trail

Last week's family vacation photo show was just a smattering, so pop some corn, kick back and feign interest, 'cause here are a few more precious moments...

Every trip has a beginning. I like the first 15 minutes of a roadtrip, when the energy is high and the anticipation is peaking. It was early in the afternoon and we weren't sure how far north we would get, but we were prepared for the adventure ahead.

Well, we were as prepared as we thought we needed to be. We could have used a little more cold weather clothing. When traveling from Southern California it is always impossible to anticipate extremes in temperature. Geoff and Max are wearing socks for gloves in the 37 degree Big Basin morning.

There are tales of a large, strange beast in the Red Woods... could this be...?

It was chess after breakfast and checkers before. This is at the Benbow Inn, which is a cozy, luxurious contrast with the natural setting of the red woods. I would like to stay in Richardson Grove State Park for natural beauty and then get pampered at the Inn for the beauty of warmth, comfort and service.

Outside at the Benbow Inn.

Geoff gave Maria a boost so she could get even more uncomfortable about the humungous blue ox.

Here's a better picture of Geoff and Maria.

We thought Bill and Alison would be with us for Thanksgiving. Mom was cooking so much even Maria felt obliged to help her. Bill and Alison wimped out on us (something about colds...) so we had to eat all the pies ourselves.

Mmmmm pie.

Okay, if you aren't convinced that you should be planning a roadtrip to Oregon, then take a look at these dinosaurs! South of Bandon, north of Brookings, somewhere along the 101 there are giant dinosaurs. I'm telling you the trip is great, with no end of astonishing sights and opportunites to bond and grow. Next summer there wil be warmer days and lots of berries for picking. See you there?