Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Canada is one of our possible options, so I tried to find interesting Canadian facts for William, who does not want to leave his motherland.
There are Famous Canadians. And you can make beautiful train trips in Canada via Rail Canada. In Canada you can prepare figgy duff, fried cod tongues and other Canadian Recipes. A first glance at the "Introduction to the Government of Canada Official Web Site"shows they like red. William likes red.

He probably won't appreciate that I am trying to make light of all this, trying to find the silver lining. Life is taking a new direction and, until we stop spinning, we aren't even sure which direction we are heading. It won't be easy for any of us. Yesterday I didn't want to accept anything, except disappointment. Yesterday all I could think about were the things I lost, the plans that were dissolving, the effort that seemed to be for nothing. It's still utterly frustrating. So, maybe I shouldn't rib William about Canada's good points, or insist he see the bright side. Like me, he may need to slowly find his way to accepting the inevitable changes. We have a lot to get used to, and we tend to consider everybody's feelings, so emotionally this has become overwhelming.

... let me interrupt myself a moment... I was sharing some of our concerns with some people last summer, explaining that in Hawaii jobs are scarce so if we lived there we'd have to be careful, and someone responded, "So, you'd have start to living like the rest of us." I should have asked her on the spot, "What does that mean?" I have been wondering what she meant ever since. I should have asked her to explain: "How have we been so unlike everyone else, so unlike her?" She seemed to hold some particular beliefs and opinions about us, and the way she delivered her statement left me hurt and confused. Shame on me for not taking up the issue directly. I just recently learned about myself that I am so fearful of rejection that I won't stand-up for myself. I think I had better learn to believe that rejecting myself is far more damaging than calling someone on an ignorant and chicken@#&! remark.... anyway, that's a deep thought I just needed to put out there....

The boys are still coughing, but gone are the 105 degree fevers. Maria got sick too. Her first illness, poor baby. Christmas is 11 days away. Tomorrow is Holly's birthday. Next week we want to go see Grandma in Pasadena, make tamales, send greeting cards. I'm just going to take things step by step, enjoy what's good, figure out the rest.

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