Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Since my camera is still out of commission, I have turned to my photo archives. Fortunately, I have a lot of images stored away.
This is where I want to be. Yes, it would be nice to be at Morro Bay, watching the tide rise and fall, but what I actually seek is the quiet and peace of this image. Peace, and quiet in the mind... that is what I need. From our whirly swirl through Europe, to the trials and obstacles of going through escrow, and the very exhausting, frantic and labor intensive weeks of moving out of rental purgatory, followed by flu and other ailments... all of it has felt like a frenetic, fast paced, intense wild mouse and I am so ready to step off this roller coaster.
I feel like there is so much to do... probably because there is so much to do and I cannot seem to prioritize and manage it.
"It:" Unpacking, cleaning, playing and bonding with neglected children, celebrating Max's August 3rd birthday, planning Maria's 5th birthday, sewing, crafting, cooking, organizing, making something profound and possibly lucrative, reducing our material
It feels like, whatever I choose, I am missing out on something else, failing in some other area of my life and duties. I see the world moving on without me. People going places and doing things, while I hang back in a stupefied trance. Part of it is being 42 years old and trying to be a Super-Mom Suburban Wonder Woman, but having moved 8 times in the last 18 years my earnest attempts to be effective and good are utterly and regularly dismantled. Once again, when I want to be reaping the benefits of stability, to know where my square baking pan is, I am starting from scratch. I am trying to do too much in the midst of chaos, and it is very demoralizing.
I can see the happy outcome... that we have our own home and this is definitely a dream come true. I love the rock days when I can pause and delight in the pleasure of work that is play. Everyone has been sick, but everyone is healing, so there is more to be thankful for. I just cannot seem to calm my mind and figure out what to do first and what to do after that...
I cannot put away the DVDs until we strap the tall cabinet to the wall.
Why am I unpacking movies, when I should finish planting the new prepared flower beds?
Who needs flowers when the house and garage are filled to the ceiling with unpacked boxes?
The beds have to be filled before it rains, because it's all about the drainage and not letting water get into the foundation.
If I don't make plans for the holidays and celebrations, the days are going to slip by and catch me unprepared, and we will wind up with another season of postponement and deferment.
Did I answer that email, that phone call, that urgent request for volunteers?
Why aren't I organized? After all these years, you would think I could keep track of a stupid camera battery?!
Three balanced meals a day.
Maria needs new shoes. Her winter shirts are too small.
The boys need haircuts. They want haircuts.
Print pictures from vacation, so you can remember how wonderful it was.
Send thank you cards.
Where do I begin?
I know it never really gets done... not all of it, not all at once. There is always something. But I really want to reach a point where I can feel some balance, some sense of accomplishment and peace of mind.
Did I hear you say "delegate?" Yes, I am doing that. I am getting children to pull their weight. And I have definitely lowered my expectations, reduced my personal goals, but believe me I should not lower them any more than this... even troglodytes would want to raise the bar from where I am standing.
I think I will start with kitty litter, then the day can only get better, right?