5 Things When I Am Sick

1. Do Not Blog: Do not post on social media. Do not say, "No one has ever felt this way before. I am the most sick. Was ever a woman made to suffer more?"

2. Do not describe symptoms... not in order of miserableness, nor in alphabetical order, not repeatedly to anyone within earshot, not in text messages.

3. Drink tea. Wash hands. Wear socks. My mother will be calling, and I want to sound convincing when she asks, "Are you drinking plenty of fluids? Are you washing your hands? I hope you are remembering to wear socks."

4. Find a comfortable position to "rest" in, then enjoy total recall of every errand, chore, appointment, commitment, duty, and obligation I've neglected, ever. Let it fester.

5. Imagine that, before I was sick, I was totally going to do all of those things I cannot do now.

6. Release a single tear of pity for noble martyrdom.

7. Resist the urge to make numbered lists... who can keep track of anything with only one eye open, and a raging sore throat??

8. Smell something. What is that??

9. Taste nothing. Food mocks my pain with bland flavors, but of course my appetite cannot be suppressed!

10. Think about my brain. Think about The Oatmeal. Think about making some oatmeal.

11. Read the entire Internet, then telepathically implore my friends to update their FB status, preferably with cat memes.

12. Smile, because at least I have an uncanny capacity for amusing myself.