Wednesday, September 24, 2003

It's always the same: Whenever I am waiting on some major decision or outcome, I freeze. I am frozen right now. We may have an offer on the house. We may be moving. There may be a career change. Dirk may come by on Saturday, for a country ride. Or not. Maybe the house offer will fall through, or Dirk will lose his way. Maybe all these nights with insomnia are draining my reserves and making me unable to function at my usual peak level. The only thing that is certain is the electric buzz of anxiety that is coursing it's way through my body; it's paralyzing. Right now I am really good at only 2 or 3 things: eating, watching TV, and making my bed. Oh, and, of course, nurturing, and educating my children.

All around me are things and chores that could benefit from my attention. There are hobbies and projects I could become absorbed in. It's even likely that packing would be a good idea. It ain't happening. I need the Big Green Light, the "go ahead" from God, the signed deal, the final plan. I need to have the agenda, in writing, so I can finally know when, where, how, and what. Sadly, so much of my anxiety is based on speculation and a need to wait, and I can see that none of this should interfere with my ability to be a productive person in the mean time. Ain't it a bitch when what we know doesn't support what we do? Gag.

It's all a part of a process. This week I can wallow, incapacitated, in the slime of mystery. Next week I can delve in to the grief of letting go of a beautiful home; which will be followed by several weeks of exhaustive packing, searching for a home, moving, and cleaning...or, maybe not. Well, enough about me. I would like to look up from my navel now. What's new with you?

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