Autumn. Love the new seasons, and the suggestion of possible change (remember, this is written in So. Cal, so we don't get real head thumping seasonal transitions.) As much as I want to immerse myself in apple crisp and pumpkin carving, Fall foliage and harvesting good feelings, I find myself feeling the weight and sorrow of the Big World. There is a great deal of bad sh*t going on. I don't have to be particularly well read to know about the Chechen school children, genocide in Sudan, or beheadings in Iraq. I am not trying to ignore the big issues, the campaign, the war, pollution, high fructose corn syrup, the bad smell coming from the mystery leak on the carpeting. But I am trying to cope. It's not always clear what the answers are. And the truth is that most of the time I do want to tune out the big bad world. I want to know the good guys from the bad guys, and impose reason on the confused ones...
I am in a writing stall. In spite of my intention to write an informed and academic condemnation of evil and pacifists that behave militantly, and show off my brilliant ability to sort through all the players and their games, and propose working solutions that resolve conflicts 1,000's of years old, I am instead watching my swelling abdomen roll and rise, and feeling with some amusement and discomfort my daughter's uterine dance. How will I ever explain this world to her?
Okay. I know that there is serious stuff going on, and that it is of great consequence. Still stalling. What can I say that makes a feeling, concerned and activist transition statement between the Big World, and my self-incapsulated, selfish little world? I could spend the whole day watching Papaya, thinking of names for her, dreaming of the ideal crib bumper and matching quilt. I can't wait to go find pumpkins with the boys and host a potluck and pumpkin carving party. We are anticipating the release of Elf on DVD, so we can laugh all over again and make gingerbread houses while sharing the movie with friends. I wish we were living in our own house, a big one, with nice features and conveniences. I would settle for knowing where we might live.
I still don't have a solution for the world's problems, but thinking of my blessings, dreaming of beautiful possibilities, and enjoying the changing leaves on the big tree in yard makes it easier to keep trying, and hoping.
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