Friday, May 05, 2006

Grinding through the minutes, days, week. I can't seem to find the joy and motivation to get over the funk. House hunting is going bad... there is so little out there. Even when we finally do find something suitable or adequate, I don't know how I will manage to get excited about another indefinite stay in someone else's house, with someone else's paint on the walls. I've moved a lot of times; it sucks. I know how to pack. I know how to unpack. I know how to kiss-up to a prospective landlord and hope they will accept our application... I wonder what stress experts have to say about the demoralizing effects of renting, moving frequently and feeling out of the mainstream?

I want to go camping again. Geoff and I were happily realizing that our RV is our home. We feel at home in it. I am so glad we have it, because it is our closest idea of a home base, a constant, physical representation of home. And the little county park where we camped... it's like going home too. I can remember the first time I went there. I think I was 4 or 5 years old and the park was just being completed. And we have played, celebrated, camped, fished, explored and grown there ever since. I know the trails and the old playground. I know the pond, the lilacs in spring, the acorns in fall, and the creek that appears in rainy years. The smell of sage on my jeans, the sight of scrub jays in the manzanita, the sound of children running around the trails, these familiar sensations are reassuring and comforting to me. Do we need a grandmother’s home, family reunions, Sunday dinners, familiar, and stable touchstones, like a place to call home, to feel safe, secure, comfortable? I know for some life is all about adventure and independence, and that striking out on your own is the ultimate expression of self and success. I find myself longing for roots and extended family gatherings, for places and people that I know, and which know me.

There is only one new listing for rentals today. I left a message with the owner.


I just downloaded images from the camera...
Maria. We have so much fun with this child. She runs around the house singing, and dancing. I would like to capture in pictures the special connections she makes with each of her brothers. She goes to them for fun, for comfort, to play... and she is learning, every day, new ways to express her affection and love, her interests.


Tarie said...

Your children are beautiful. =) ...I grew up in a broken home. I agree that we need things like Sunday dinners and family camping trips to feel safe, secure, and comfortable. I know, because I grew up without those things.

Natalie said...

Tarie, thank you. I am touched by your remark about my children.
And I agree with you about broken homes. It's a subject I know very well from experience, but which I have not directly dealt with in Chickenblog. Wow, even after 30+ years it's still too difficult.