Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Eleventh Hour Revelation

Last night a light turned on, thunder rolled, waves crashed, and I was struck by a mind blowing revelation: I am not popular, I am not a booster, I am not a motivator!


And please, dear friends, this is not a plea for sympathy, or for denials. I am looking at... wait, how old am I? Uh. Minus. Plus. Carry the one. Divide by a millennium ah, right... I am looking at forty-four years of hard evidence, and it is good see the truth, to accept my weaknesses, my reality. It may free me to move on to other things, or to at least stop wondering.

Not popular, or remotely comfortable, in grade school.✓
Not significantly productive or effective in middle school.✓
Resigned to absolute anonymity in high school.✓
Wore a tiger suit on Halloween, first quarter at UCSD, remainder of that period also spent in anonymity.✓ Although, I think this is sadder commentary on the lameness of that student body than my overly enthusiastic spazness.

I am an enthusiastic spaz. I get very excited, then I want to share my spazness, and spread whatever holiday-robotic-STEAM-Maker Faire-party-celebratory theme is pulsing through my system, and the results of my efforts, my cheering, my whole-hearted hoopla is ______________________________________________.

Yes, more or less blank.
Blank stares.
Deafening silence.
Well, not completely... I do have some dear friends who cheer, who hang in there, who smile kindly on the crazy loosed hen that I am. Thank you dear friends.

But mostly, in comparison with how much I expend, how many I cheer, how sincerely I devote myself to sharing my interests, and supporting other people's careers, interests, causes... I seem to create a response vacuum. Here. In my everyday. On FB. No matter how frequently, how earnestly I seek to move family and friends, strangers too, to reply, to speak, to join, to say, hey! I find I am not. good. at. it.

Fascinating. Well, not really, except to me.


In some areas I have learned to cut-back, to chill. In fact, I should monitor this, as it can have less than merited results: The Easter Bunny gave some very good children one basket with treats, including underwear for two of the very good children, three days ago. A tad late. I am possibly far too enthusiastically spaztic to ever become truly curmudgeonly, but I don't think holiday baskets delivered three weeks after the fact is a balanced direction to head.

Have you followed Chickenblog for nine years, five years, six months? Then you know. I get this way... reflective and doubtful. It's a phase, but I think this time is different. In the past, I have been asking myself: What am I doing wrong? What's missing? How much more can I do? Now, I see it: I am not destined for greatness in the realm of motivational speaking, club boosting, published authoring, blogadocious mommy bloggering... I am mediocre, yet sincere. Spaztic, yet rambling and random.

This may prove to be liberating. I may drop out, go to medical school, join a yoga studio.

Or I may wake up tomorrow, oblivious to this long time coming revelation, and re-commence with my over the top fascination with chickens, and wingnuts, with more deep thoughts and other musings.

Where is my honey-badger shirt?


amy smith said...

you are correct,
you are not destined to greatness...
you ARE greatness.

Natalie, the Chickenblogger said...

Amy. Amy. You made me cry. Everyone, Amy is a wonder woman. Her heart is as strong and dedicated as her deeds.

And now I need to find the tissues...

Janece said...

Our fabulous Amy - *nailed* it! You ARE greatness, Natalie! You don't have to try to be motivational - you ARE! I oooh and awe everytime I check in with your world... I tell Paul how much I adore you, am inspired to be a better woman and mother, and just simply want to be you when I grow up! :)

Follow your BLISS, Natalie! Whatever enthusiastic spaziness fills your soul and causes your heart to burn with joy and passion-- follow it!

I love you! I really do!

nikkipolani said...

What Amy said. I smiled at your checklist of how you saw yourself through school and wonder how others saw you.

Alison said...

I am one of those who hasn't been checking in as often...but it's not you, it's your readers. I find every spring and most of the summer to be very disappointing in Blogland. People are going outside, traveling, spending vacation time with their families. Spring sports, holidays, graduations, yard sales...blogging is part of our hibernation routine, and gets dropped off the list of priorities as the days get longer.

Blog for you, as a journal. Don't worry about us; we can be fickle and unpredictable, so we're not worth changing for. :)

Anonymous said...

Natalie, you are AWESOME, everyone knows that.

ArtyZen said...

Natalie - you know you struck a deep chord with me because I told you so. And I'm happy to tell you over and again. And Ralph Waldo Emerson said
"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm" and that, you have in bucketloads!

Rois said...

But Natalie,you must be a great and wonderful person who has accomplished things in your life.
I just know it.How? All of those postings about the gaggle of wondrous children that are yours.
Behind every great kid is an even greater Mother.

judy in ky said...

Well, I for one am hoping you wake up tomorrow oblivious to these doubts. I value your spazness. I love seeing all the things you and your family are up to. Your life is 100 times more luminous and full than mine. I need your inspiration.

Natalie, the Chickenblogger said...

Good morning. I did say: "I do have some dear friends who cheer, who hang in there, who smile kindly on the crazy loosed hen that I am."
And I was right about that. Thank you, dear friends. I really am trying to be objective about this... about the degree to which I am, or am not, effective, and to let guide my motivation for what I do. All that aside... you have given me a sweet, generous boost of encouragement. I think being reminded to follow my passion is very helpful. Each of you has given me something... ideas, inspiration, time, respect, stories, companionship, sympathy, laughter, insight, and I am grateful for these gifts. You make blogging a gratifying and worthwhile experience. Happy Chcikenbloggiversary to all, and may your weekends be spaztastically marvelous.

mtnchild said...

One of your most redeeming qualities is the way you open your heart and home to the Robotics crew (kids in general too!), and robotics in general. I may not comment often, but I do read all your posts and cheer you along this amazing road.
Many, many hugs

Kim said...

I watched that Molly Shannon movie yesterday, Mary Katherine Gallagher: Superstar! and I was thinking...that movie must be a success because that's kind of how everyone feels growing up.

I wasn't the most popular girl in school, or the prettiest, but I won't lie, I had boys asking for dates and I was on the prom court...and yet, I FELT like Mary Katherine Gallagher on the inside. It's true! And I like it that way, because the Mary Katherine Gallaghers of the world are what make things interesting!

I love when people LOVE what they're into. and you seem like that. Who cares if most others don't get it right? Keep blogging!

That Ghandi quote comes to mind..."Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it."