Sunday, August 28, 2011

Say NO! To Yucky Food

Keep them coming. Comments, rants, unspecified fast-food complaints. Apparently, I am a magnet.

"Good day Natalie,
After an unsuccessful visit to a KFC, I searched long and hard for a blogspot site exclusively operated by KFC affiliates, in order to file a formal complaint regarding my bitter experiences at their chicken joint, but I could not find such a blog, instead I found this one. A perfectly respectable (and quite professional) blog about family, friends, and... chickens. Now don't get me wrong, I love chickens, they're great... when they are tasty. But nothing bothers me more than bad meat... and KFC's meat was certainly no treat. As I'm sure you noticed, I tend to a blog about eating meat... feel free to look at the blog... I haven't worked on it as much as I'd like to, but that is past the point. This message is about my frustrations with KFC chicken... so from one chicken lover to another (although we love them in different ways) I warn you to avoid the dreaded place... or otherwise prepare for a dreadful experience. And please... if you ever prepare fried chicken your self, do it well... there's enough bad meat in this world already. LOVE YOU BYE BYE!!! <3333" ~From Maddams

Greetings Maddams.

It is a good day. And believe it or not, you have come to the right place. I am uniquely qualified to address complaints, and bitter tirades lobbed at take-out chicken eateries. I wonder, have you by chance met Tina the Lama? It's a small world. I could not be surprised if you two know each other.

To begin with, unless you are at Burning Man, or dependent on a dial-up modem, it is difficult for me to imagine any Internet search being either long or hard, or even time consuming and difficult. My forty-two second search yielded a website and a "customer experience page," where someone eagerly awaits word of your unpleasant experience.

Still, here you are, and I thank you for your kind remarks. I hope Chickenblog is respectable, but I can assure it is hardly professional. I have never earned a dime blogging, not even when blogging about chickens. I do have my hopes and dreams... (cue dream sequence: Terri Gross chooses me, for an interview... me, an awkward, mediocre, and mostly unknown suburban mom who loves playing, and making, children, gardens, chickens, FIRST robotics, li hing mui raspados. I am eloquent and stirring. Book agents and publishers begin calling, and I am asked to write about whatever my heart desires. They bring out the exclusive-retire-happy contract, and I sign it, confident of my bright, secure future. I buy the house next door and build a barn, and a guest lodge. We celebrate regularly with garden parties and... )

Ah, but I digress. You were saying?

I too love chickens. Walking across my yard, kicking in the underbrush, rolling in the dust. Two of my newest hens have begun laying. Another two are hatching eggs, right now. It is a sight to behold a new life emerging from a tiny egg. In fact I just took a picture of one in a teacup, and she sits at the bottom, as tiny as can be. Adorable. My chickens make me laugh, and watching them relaxes me, puts me in a grateful and peace-loving state of being. It's kind of remarkable and sweet. Of course not everything about keeping fowl is fair. They make huge messes, they raise the sun, they have wrecked total havoc in my garden beds. But what in life is ever perfectly gratifying and worthwhile that does not come with some work, some consequences? I seek moderation and balance, except when I want something else, like a miniature goat, or a live radio interview at a robotics competition. Even moderation and balance must be taken in measured doses after all.

Ah, but I digress. You were saying?

Tasty. So, you eat meat. And you blog about eating meat, but you "haven't worked on it as much as you would like to"? I did look at the blog. Technically speaking, it is up to date: "Eating Dead Things: Sunday, August 28, 2011. Today I Ate Something Yucky."

Gee, I hope you don't mind that I have just copied your entire blog, verbatim.

I also eat meat. I was a vegetarian. I was a vegan. I still eat vegetarian meals, and vegan meals, but one thing I do not do: I do not eat yucky things. Nope. I have eaten yucky things in the past, but that is passed the point. I do, on occasion, taste yucky things. But that's where it stops... I will unashamedly spit out yucky food, or discreetly bring a napkin to my mouth for a lady-like dab, and then just drop the whole yuck right into the napkin... it's a practiced move, very useful. From a very young age I vowed that as an adult I would not eat food I do not like, unless faced with famine, or some other equally horrible circumstance. And guess what? I am an adult, and the very best part about being adult, besides ditching school to go to Disneyland, is that I eat food I like! I like tofu, but I am allergic, so I have to look out for soy and avoid it, or I get hives. Fortunately, I like a great variety of foods... local, organic, indulgent, green, leafy, meaty, from the sea, from my neighbors, with cheese, without cheese. I am so blessed. I do know hunger, and have lived with limited means, and the bounty that we enjoy these days makes my heart glad.

Forgive me. I am prone to wandering. My deep thoughts and musings lead me I know not where. We were discussing... the hatching of Zelda and Puff's chicks? No, wait, I remember... your unsuccessful visit to a KFC. Right. Well. Bad meat is bothersome, but then again, what were you expecting? Or should I ask "what frustrated you?" Did you get hives? Although you clearly state that "this message is about my frustrations with KFC chicken," I regret to say I do not know what your actual issue or complaint is, except that the franchise where you chose to consume digestible material was both a "dreaded" and "dreadful" place. I take your warning to heart. Thank you. And I kindly suggest that in the future, whenever you are tempted to dine at a place that you already perceive as dreaded, that is to say one that you feel extreme reluctance to face or meet, don't do it! Life can be short. Why waste it on yucky food, if you don't have to? Grab some potatoes, get the slaw, or find some watermelon... those are in season, and sweetly gratifying.

Cheers for good food! Cheers for chicken fried well! Cheers for love, and choices, and blogging! Cheers for high speed Internet! Cheers for Chickenblog, defender of all who seek tasty meals, and solace for those times when food is yucky! Cheers for the randomness in the world that makes life so very interesting, and amusing!

And now, to sew a caftan-like Burning Man gown for Geoff, because he is going where Internet searches are improbable, and there won't be fried chicken. But he will look good, and feel good, and he will have bacon. Lots and lots of bacon...bacon is the golden currency of Burning Man!

Stay safe! Eat good food! Love one another.


Natalie, The Chickenblogger


nikkipolani said...

I don't know how you do it, Natalie. First, you attract people with chicken issues they want to share. And then you compassionately respond to their issues. Cheers for Natalie!

Tracy said...

Oh, no, another one... LOL! But bless you for responding to these people in need. ;o) ((HUGS))

ArtyZen said...

Apoligies for any spelling mistakes hier but I am laughing too hard to really see what I am typing. It's just so funny!! Thank you for sharing this little slice of the more bizarre side of life - I love it.

Alison said...

Cheers to you, and your good humor, and rambling, and not least of all, your chicas, big and small.

judy in ky said...

I think Terri Gross is missing out on a good thing! She really should interview you.

Susan said...

Thank you for making me SMILE this morning. :))))

maddams said...

Well Natalie, I took a look at Ms. Lama's comment, and I am quite amazed that such an occurrence took place only a little while ago! Very interesting, and thank you for your response, it was a good laugh to counteract a bad meal. From now on, I think I will avoid both KFC and Popeyes and go for a more gourmet alternative... perhaps shake n bake...