Bunnies, chickens, gardens, inviting spaces we call our own. All of this was pinned in my scrapbook, and I still can gaze at these images, these hopes and wishes, and feel that longing and hope to be there, to live that life. And now. Now, we are keeping bunnies, and watching chickens. Goats, too! We have this amazing space we call our own. Dreams coming true. It's humbling and sweet.
This place, and these blessings are amazing to me. I don't think I've shared this... some days, driving home, I turn onto our street and I start to cry. I feel overcome by relief and joy, and astonishment to be driving home. To be in this place, where we have so much to enjoy and share, and feel good about, and it feels brand new, it feels unreal, or too good to be true. I think I am learning a new story, opening a new chapter, one where I want to learn to trust the feeling of home, to feel some degree of certainty that we belong, that we can stay awhile, and settle in.
And one more thing... besides being distracted and prone to extended bouts of laziness and chores-boredability: I do not know how to keep a home. Right about the time I have started to feel settled, or understand the rhythm of the home, and get a routine going, we have moved. All my life. The only time I have ever unpacked every box and bag, it lasted for two months before we packed and moved, again. Six years in one place is my record, and even there we spent two years doing repairs that required us to cook on the porch and shower outside the kitchen window... good times, but slightly disruptive! I know. Life is disruptive, but it cannot help that even now, I have this compulsive instinct to wonder if it might be time to pack up? Even now, I hesitate to paint walls. I still have a reluctance, a feeling of disconnect with this space, and my place in it.
Maintenance and upkeep... those are two concepts I am eager to get intimately familiar with! We have been here, in our Bird House, four years, and I have been feeling an undercurrent, a cognizant buzz, and I have to remind myself to settle down. I do not need to collect boxes, check real estate ads, stop at open houses. I need to hang pictures. I need to organize drawers, for the long term. I don't need to keep things ready to go. I need to let go of stuff that doesn't fit here, because here is where we live. However obvious some things are, some things still have to be learned.
Sort of talking to myself, here. I am in a learning moment.