The Apron

Maria and I were talking about tattoos the other morning, after I described how I want to finish my apron. It started with the blue swallow, and then waking up with the idea that I could cover the apron in images and symbols that I love, that might be tattoo worthy. But Maria and I share the certainty that we aren't ready for real, permanant, tattoos. For me it's to do with how much my tastes and interests change. Maria expressed similar concerns. We agreed that in one mood we might choose a flower, but we couldn't feel certain that we wouldn't change our minds two days, or two years, later. I remember collecting teddy bear stickers in high school... what if I got a teddy bear tattoo? I would be full of regret about that. I feel deep awe and wonder for people that know their likes, and dislikes, who stick with a color palette, declare and embrace their aesthetic, from head to toe, from dishes to flooring! It seems, to me, an impossible achievement. Anyway, I can change dishes and bedsheets, collect other sticker themes, but tattoos... picking the right one? Nope. I don't think I could do it.

I recently noticed, that without a plan, without deliberating, I seem to have been curating a color palette. I was sitting in bed, with my blue pillows, and blue crocheted blankets and shawls, in my marigold dress, with the red gingham pillows, and trying to settle on color choices for the apron. Trying to be deliberate, mindful, artistic. But was I choosing, or had it already chosen me? It seems this is my embroidery season, and my colors are rose reds, sun golds, and sea blues... for now. I like this. Very much. I wonder for how long? No. It doesn't matter... I will simply enjoy this season, and let it be a favorite, for now.

There is almost always a kitty keeping me company. And they (mostly) don't cause mischief. Mostly.

I have been thinking about linen floss. Linen floss on linen fabric. I have been thinking about embroidery stands... the wood ones that clamp hold of the embroidery hoop. I have been thinking about the fabric I bought for making a cross-stitch sampler, and wondering what I will do about trying to design my own cross-stitch pattern. I have been thinking about drawing, painting, print-making, quilting, crocheting, pottery, gardening, baby goats, cooking, whipping the house back into shape, and getting vaccinated. And. And, I feel overwhelmed, like time is moving swiftly, and I could stay here all day making little jabs at fabric, and never think of anything else, again. Sometimes I try to think about what a year at home has done to my ideas and beliefs, what a lot of trauma, and unhealed issues are making of my courage, and dreams, but I cannot sustain the thoughts, cannot unravel the essential truths from my fears, from the things that will, finally, resolve, and sort out for themselves, eventually.

It's good the cats come and stay with me, even if they do bat at the floss. I welcome the distraction, the company. I am glad for the cats, and the view from our bedroom. I am glad for all of my floss colors, and the fact that I organized them 30 years ago. I am glad I brought home two more boxes of organized floss from the thrift store. I am glad Diana and Martha text me on Wednesdays and Fridays, so we can do cardio, remotely, together, apart, at the same time. I am glad we've had rain, and sun. I am glad that Bambi and Alex cook, and Maria, and William, and that we sit together for meals. I am glad Geoff figured out something to do about the pipes that broke under the new driveway... that the flooded driveway and dread, awful as they were, felt somehow only annoying. It's hard to say whether we are simply objective and calm, or too exhausted to let fly! I am glad we are almost always more likely to laugh than let fly!