Saturday, August 12, 2006

Our favorite rental ad, this week... sounds like a weiner, ... er I mean winner.
"$3000 Luxury 7Br/4Ba., 4400sf, 2 kitchen, 3 DR's, cul de sac, 2 car gar, 2 fplcs, baloney."

I've been having the kind of week (or has it been the whole year...) that makes me see and feel much of what I believed-in in a whole new light. It makes me want to wipe my slate clean, and maybe begin again. Keep husband and children, some dear friends and our pets, of course, though maybe not Zelda, because she bites. Keep all that as the focus and center of my plans and thoughts. It has been in my nature to overextend my concern and love and money and thoughts and efforts in directions where it wasn't required, or appreciated or respected. Now I feel embarrassed, hurt and sad. I also feel a sense that it's time to move on and recommit to the people who need me most, the people I need too.

It has come to my attention that because we have been generous, people assume that our success or lifestyle has come easily, and that we live easily. Some have even said that we don’t live like most people, and that any hardship we might have would only serve to show us how the rest of the world lives… I’m paraphrasing, so it’s not as harshly put as it was stated to me.

I try to be polite and articulate and not to intentionally offend, but sometimes you have to say it like it is: Bullshit. We’ve been generous because we are too nice, because we love to share, even at the expense of our personal needs and dreams. What success we have comes from some luck, true, but it comes more from working long hours, skipped vacations, working holidays, passing on things and opportunities. We have made choices that we both embrace and regret, and we assume responsibility for all of it. I guess we don’t live like the rest of the world. Who does? I won’t assume anyone’s circumstances reflects their worth, whether they live in a tiny apartment, or enjoy new cars, boats and decorated homes.

Sorry Mom. I know you don’t like it when I rant in public, but this is my outlet, my therapy, my voice. I’m not trying to hurt anyone or be needy. I simply have thoughts and feelings that I gotta get out of my head, and if you think this is too much, you should hear what I am not saying. I guess too, that I don’t worry, because the readers that give me feedback are actually honest, interested, and they are in an active dialogue with me about life and family and the good and bad events that shape our lives. Anyone else reading from the shadows either doesn’t care or is not participating in the conversation.

So, back to the ‘whole new light’ thing: I thought my circle was wider and more encompassing than it actually is, and I have been putting too much energy out ‘there.’ Am I describing co-dependency? Hmmm… Well, we can’t be wholly independent, not when we are spouses, mommies and daddies, but I can see now that my responsibilities are under one roof. My time, thoughts, and concerns should flow in circles where they are received and returned, in a loving, kind cycle. In the new light, I can see none of us has the resources, or perhaps even the interest, to love everyone, to share with everyone. Families can grow quite large, they extend, but they can also recede and we can hardly be expected to hold on to everyone as we had, or as we might like… sad, but true.

I’ve said a lot. Maybe too much, and yet it’s all too vague and incomplete. My Mom’s probably right, though, so I’ll stop. There’s no need to put more out there.

1 comment:

Tarie said...

There was/were someone/people who insulted you/your family like that??? Grrrrrr. =(