Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sad, Homesick, Tender, Wistful and Looking Forward to a Swim

Yes, all that and still no pictures. Everyone is sad. Maria is very homesick and consequently very cranky tender. It is hard to understand the odd mix of emotions we are experiencing... We love it here, in Hawaii. It feels like home, or a part of the home we have been trying to get to, and all around us there is such profound beauty, inspiration, spirit... it contradicts the ache and grief we carry.

The wind chimes ring playfully in the cool breeze, in the distance we see the snow capped Mauna Kea, with the telescopes and observatories. On Saturday, Margie and I saw a whale... we were sitting together during Jim's memorial, exchanging comfort and memories, when the whale spouted and breached. I smell flowers and hear chickens and roosters, and Maria is learning how to hula. There is so much to enjoy and savor and celebrate and then it is all diminshed by the realization that someone is missing. He loved it here most of all of us, and he would have loved to see his grandchildren flying the kite, fixing the tractor, collecting guavas, practicing the hula in a shell lei and grass skirt. It's hard not to call his name: Corm, come here. You have to see this. It's hard not being able to ask him the name of that tree or whether we should use 4 wheel drive to get down to Waipio Valley. It's his truck. He should be here.

The last time we were here he took us to Spencer Park State Beach. It was really windy. Really windy. We could hardly swim, let alone keep our towels and hats from blowing to Fiji. We took a hike down an old Hawaiian trail, exploring with Poppa-Corn Man, and he regaled us with Island history, legend and folklore. Suddenly the path opened onto a white sand beach, with water the color of a clear blue sky. We were sheltered from the wind and the water was sheltered from the heavy surf, so the boys and I were able to swim and float and immerse ourselves... Maybe longing for a swim could be seen as somewhat irreverent, but it isn't, not here. A swim, hula lessons, stretching out on the lawn and whistling on blades of grass... we could not do better to honor and remember this man that we love and miss.

Update: Far from our usual tools and resources, Geoff still manages to find a way for me to post some images.
Update II: These are ginormous! LOL
Update III(02/23/08): The photos are fixed.


  1. Natalie, he is there. Not physically but he is there, and I believe he *sees* you all. He would take great pleasure in seeing you enjoy the things he loved. Take it in, remember it all and meld the two together. You and your family are in my prayers.

  2. Sweetness of memory, finding solace and comfort and pleasure in things he loved. He gave you gifts and you are treasuring them....

  3. Your vivid writing always transports me into your world, Natalie. I'm glad you're able to spend a few days there and not just rush off. Time to remember with all those who loved him. (BTW, I can't see your photos)

  4. Thank you everyone. I love hearing from you.
    Anne, I think you can see them now!
    Geoff took care of the publishing and they are H U G E!

  5. Yes, even the one of Maria doing the hula. :-) Grief doesn't feel good. It's not supposed to. You're doing the right thing by staying put a little longer.

  6. I am stunned. I've been away from Chickenblog (because of work) for far too long. I've truly MISSED you. And now I see that you have lost someone so special. :(

    I am very sorry for your loss, Natalie. I also can't believe he is gone! I have been following the chronicles of your family (and loving it!) and I read and saw how wonderful he was.

    I give you my hugs, love, and sympathy/empathy. You and your family are in my prayers. God bless!

  7. What a beautiful place. I'm so sorry something so tragic brought you back there.

  8. Grief. Why? Love, yes, grief, one of those that only God can explain. Yell at the ocean, it listens. Cry in the ocean, it will love you back.

  9. Sweet, strange days...No doubt the beauty of the place is folding you all up and easing your sorrows...I am glad. Grief takes time. Take the time you need to grieve. Learning the hula in between helps ;o) Love & Hugs to you & yours on Valentine's Day. Thinking of you all...((HUGS))


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