Saturday, December 17, 2011

Joyful Focus

Yesterday was not easy... the first wave of grief, the sad reality. I found myself at church, but it was locked tight, and so then I sat in the Trader Joe's parking lot and had my cry there. I didn't want to go home. I wanted a warm, good smelling place where I could anonymously soak tissues, and let it all out. I thought it was odd too, but I realized that in a church, or a parking lot, I would not have the indulgent luxury of wallowing and lingering for too long... eventually I would have to move forward. I don't know how effective my strategy was. I did return home, and I washed dishes, retrieved children, made dinner, but it was all in a daze, without focus, and punctuated by more tears.

Probably my best move was calling Anna Banana. She's my bestest friend. She helped me see that my sadness and confusion, my dysfunctional functioning, were normal enough. I am still sad, and confused, but I don't feel quite so alone. It also helped to share some exchanges with my brother, Bill. He knows me. We joked. We grieved a bit, with an honesty and understanding that I think is fitting, and right.

I know that life is rarely ever as idyllic, or glossy, as we would like. I know that most of us have good days and bad days, and long runs of happy times that get abruptly interjected with sorrow, challenges. Sometimes it's many days of sorrow, interjected with happiness...

I try to balance it out. I try to find a joyful focus. It isn't always easy. We've had two losses in our family, both following long and painful illness. Even the cruel passing of my Zoltar adds to the heartache and strain...

Do you know what today is? It's the first day of winter break... the first day of all the children home! My free labor! My elves! My devoted minions! Just kidding. I'll let them sleep in. I'll feed them a full breakfast.... and then I will crack the whip! Bwahahaha!

Having the children home is easily the very most joyful thing I can focus on. We already have a movie night event set in motion. We are baking cookies to share, and having an open house-all night movie marathon.

Alex and I need to write up a schedule for his movie shoot with Tatiana. Their last assignment in video-film is to choose a genre, write a script and story board, and make the movie. Alex was running his ideas by William, for feedback on the Western drama they are filming during break. I keep trying to audition for him, but I think they are looking to cast someone much older and less gorgeous. It's not easy to play against my natural qualities. Then again, Suki has been offered the role of the sinister sheriff... talk about playing against type!

So far, Maria is the only one to have presents wrapped and under the tree. Throughout the day, she points this out to me and her brothers... reminding us that she made us gifts, that they are for us, that they are right there, under the tree. And she asks me if I need help wrapping anything. Anything at all. And you know, I should let her wrap, all except her gifts, of course. I am silly not to accept her offer. One glance around this Bird House and anyone could see a mother's helper would be a most welcome addition. Also, a maid, laundress, tailor, plumber, and a repair person.

This is our squirrel, Hazel. She said she could crack nuts, so I let her move in with us. But. She lied. She can hold a pecan, but she can't get it open. With some help and a lot of straining she can sort of crush a nut, but then again so can a hammer, and with less effort.

The resident engineers have diagnosed Hazel with inferior palate syndrome. Without a roof to her mouth there isn't enough downward force to hold and break the nut... something like that.

I'm waiting for William and Geoff to hone their sweet TIG welding skills, so Hazel can undergo some reconstructive realignment. Hazel shouldn't have to wait long. They are getting better, and enjoying their class more and more.

Max was ice skating on his last day of school. It was his first time, and I am delighted to say that he was good at ice skating, and he enjoyed himself. In fact, I can report that Max is good with all of his school days. Sure, he wouldn't mind if it snowed for three months and school was canceled altogether, but he likes it there well enough, and he is making the most of his time.

If Geoff takes Maria shopping (a risky proposition given their generous natures) then I may get some gift wrapping accomplished. William and I also have a date with tortillas, sauce, and cheese... we are making enchiladas sometime this weekend.

It's still dark out, and two owls are outside my office window. I love those owls and their resonant calls.

Out for an explore. Weazie would like me to thank everyone for their sweet comments. I think she would very much like to be the subject of a book. She has a lot of stories to share. Anyone know much about desktop publishing?

The owls are still calling. Soon the sun will be up. A new day. I'm ready to embrace it.


PamKittyMorning said...

Big hugs.xo

tara said...

Weezie is a natural.
I am glad you have such good people to call. So important. Now that i think about it I do most of my sobbing in my car. Huh

Anna Banana said...

blurb will let you publish you book and sell it. I have it on good authority, will send you a link. xoxo, bestest friend.

Kate said...

Beautiful. You and the way you write.

Sara at Come Away With Me said...

Big hugs from me too.

Miriam said...

I'm sorry for your sadness, and so glad you are finding joy in all the right places.

ArtyZen said...

This post has left me quite speechless as it touches so sweetly and sensitively on so many emotions that we all feel or have felt. I sent you my heartfelt sympathy and empathy in your sadness and delighted hugs and whoops in your joys. This is living life to the full, Natalie, it really is.

Jennifer said...

I am deeply sorry to hear of your losses, and your struggles, and of the particular difficulty at this time of year of having to carry on, of not being really able to stop and process in the ways you might wish. I'm sorry that church was closed, but glad that it's winter break and your house and heart are so full....