Friday, April 06, 2012

He Flattered Me With His Letters...

"Am Engr B.A. Ware.I hail from West Xylophone,I attended Nigerian university,where i studied Capra aegagrus hircus engineering,Am 47 years old single and work as a marine engineer in the submarine section. Am elegant,vibrant,vigorous and full of life I was opporturned to glance through your page and personnality profle.You seem to be the woman of my choice.You scarlet lips,ebong hair,well biult physique charming face,sedycing eyes are of great intersest to me.In fact,your entirety commands my variety of interest"

I did not alter a single comma or adjective. It's all there, just as he wrote it. Well, okay... I did change his name and location, and the particular field of engineering he studied, but only because I want to shelter and protect him, all for myself.

Don't hate.
Don't be jealous.
Some of us are just born lucky.
I can't help it, if my eyes are
As for my ebong hair, well... yeah, I got that going on, too.

Naturally, I wrote back.
Thanked him.
And with bated breath, I was opportuned to ask him,
'woman of your choice for what?'
I prefer to be direct about these things.

His reply was prompt, albeit curt. Evidently, he prefers to be direct, as well:

"Have studied Capra aegagrus hircus engineering, yet am i employed in submarinal engineering, where my variety of interest is in conflict with my facilities. I have the opportunity of transferring the interests of my holdings, which are valuabled considerable,you seem To Be the woman of whom I am most beholding to entrust with these heretwo assets. Further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as I receive your return mail as soon as you receive this
1. Your total full name, correkt speling, pleese:
2. Your age and sex:
3. Your private number,the one only your closest friends know:
4. The height and square foodage of your barn:
5. A note from your Docktor:

And he signed it, B.A. Ware, as though I wouldn't know his writing anywhere. He's so elegant,vibrant, full of life.
Naturally, I replied, even more, promptly:

Dear B.A. Ware,
you had me at "heretwo assets." Since you are obviously a man of distinction and duty, I beseech you, please, transfer the interests of your holdings, which are so encumbering to your career and facilities, as you navigate the deep, in your submarine. Enclosed, are all necessary account numbers, references, and a copy of my most recent brain scan (though it is grainy, and the diagnosis was inconclusive.)

I know. This seems sudden, and one cannot be too careful on the World Wide Interwebs, but something about this just feels right. Now the whole family, all of us here at the Bird House, are waiting for the delivery of B.A. Ware's holdings, which are Nigerian in origin, and
particularly suitabled to my "well biult physique and charming face." We feel really lucky!

Updates as soon as plausible!
And I promise, whatever riches await us, it will not change us. We will share. And we will be humble, and modest, and not too


valleycampdurango said...

i am smitten!!! we oft make jest of odd, half inteligble (made that up, i did), yet spot on missives from points beyond...go for it, i say. send him your routing number and the three digits on the back of your cc! it sounds like true love and an adventure rolled into one....the best kind, no?!

Kim said...

Bwuahahahaha! You are so clever lady! Strange things like this do not ever happen to me, perhaps because I'm somewhat blind to the unique humor that you can tease out of the situation! Your mind works a mile a minute, doesn't it? I'm hoping for holdings...but holding not my breath :)

judy in ky said...


Kara said...

Tee hee hee!