I have been trying to keep up with some of William's projects, recording and sharing them, including the paper moon, the cart... more, lots more. William has been a gentle hand on my shoulder, equally nudging me forward, and supporting me. He helps me get a lot of things accomplished.
Bambi, Alex, Tori, Armand, Max, Maria, Lucas. I like this last picture when they obliged me a group photo, and some of them have the "how many pictures is she going to take?" expressions.
Every Saturday... Dungeons & Dragons. Dungeons & Dragons & Friends & Laughter & plans, engagement, support. This time Tori had some special treats to celebrate the groom, and the bride, and friends, and dragons. Tori's cupcakes were both delicious and beautiful.
Maria is sticking with her love of school, with following her curiousity and love of learning. No signs of "senioritus," thus far. She was so glad, thankful to get a chance at the screen-printing, to go to the Regional event for robotics, to read The Poisonwood Bible, and now The Grapes of Wrath. Math is going well, so is English, and government and economics. She is thinking of going to prom, maybe even grad-night. I am pretty sure all of these things are going to be upon us in, seemingly, no time, and then it will be graduation time. Twelve years ago, Maria showed an interest in embroidery. I set her up with a hoop, needle and floss, and she caught on readily enough. But it didn't hold her interest for much longer than it took to stitch that one flower. My own experience with sewing was similar. I dabbled as a girl, but never got proficient, never stuck with it. But the skills sort of stuck with me. I have found that all of the lessons and passing interest in things have come back in later years, and have helped launch renewed interest, and the patience to improve and enjoy... crochet, embroidery, quilting, handsewing and mending, even making clothes. I am glad she tried embroidery, and I was even more glad that I didn't press her or force it. On her own, in the Fashion Design class, she's picked it up, again, and I love what she's making!
I've seen a meme, or quote, something, going around Instagram... an audio clip plays, of someone telling us that we don't have to perfect our hobbies, that there's no rule that says we must become experts to enjoy our pastimes. It's brilliant, I think. I have wasted too much time concerned about how good I can be at something before I am worthy of it, before I can say I enjoy it, or can share it, or claim any ability, or attachment. I used to hold too much favor for the idea of natural talent, and I would give up or feel embarrassed for things I wasn't good at. For certain, I am ready to celebrate anyone else's amateur status, their effort and enthusiasm matters more than the results, for me. Now, I am increasingly eager to give myself the same grace. I play ukulele. I play infrequently, and badly, but when I play, it makes me happy. I bake, occasionally and I have made some delicious cakes, and some really ugly ones, but I like doing it. I have ridden my bicycle 4,540 miles... not in a jersey, or with special shoes, never in a race, or on a course, but happily, and surprisingly regularly. I like to think that if we all just dabble, and play, try new things, whether we are fair-to-middling, or even kind of awful, but happy, amused, engaged, and if we encourage each other in play, expression, in exploring... it might help, it might bring some of the relief, caring, healing, that so many of us are seeking.
Bird House Notes: Days are hard, harder, and harder, and even as I consider this truth, I am chagrined... because, you know: War, famine, violence, poverty, heartache, all the things people are enduring, and suffering, so that I feel positively ridiculous thinking I have hardships. But I do, and so does just about everyone I hear from, talk to, observe. And at some level, I am feeling their anguish, too. Even our cats'! Out of, seemingly, nowhere, they are in a three way turf war, psychologically in an utterly confounding conflict. Sakamoto is terrified and hides. Cairo is confused, cowering, and tormented by Feynman, who stands guard near Sakamoto, and will growl and attack Cairo. Uhhh... sigh. Was I going to delve into cat drama? What I want to do is to express my compassion, my deep concern for everyone that is struggling, and my awe and respect for everyone that is doing the essentials, attending to anything, small or great. Did you move your laundry around, order a pizza, mail a letter, sit with a friend? Applause! I feel like I could redefine "disfunctional." I am operating in a paradoxically high functioning realm of disfunction. Somehow, I move forward, even as I feel I have reached what surely must be bottom, or the end of a rope. Not my rope. Some rope. My rope snapped a long way back. I was aiming for encouraging... I am thinking of you, and you, and hoping that you are finding respites, support, motivation, a good plumber, or whatever helps.
March 30, 2022