Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Obvious Solutions

This morning I was overcome, yet again, with the certainty that I have achieved nothing less than stellar mediocrity. Yes, a minor pity party, and I suggested to Geoff that I might be ready to try something new, something possibly lucrative, or admirable.

Probably, I could have been consoled and greatly satisfied if he looked deeply into my eyes, and said something like, "You're doing great. The world needs earnest, yet middling amateurs like you." Something like that would have sufficed to reassure me that in my own way, I matter. But Geoff pulled out something new. He said, "You should start a business."

And then!

And then, we drove around town looking at buildings for rent, for lease, for sale. And then, I asked all kinds of questions, and he asked questions, and we agreed on some points, and disagreed on other points.

And then! And then, we stopped, and he got a breakfast burrito.

We aren't short on ideas. We have plenty of concepts, and principals that excite us. But, honestly... I scare, easy. I doubt, easy. And, question: Is it normal to be forty-something, and to feel unprepared, too pulled-in-every-direction, to start something big and new?

I know. You're probably thinking... Holy Cramalot, look at their dining table!

You're right. Obviously, we need a much bigger dining table.


Unknown said...

Life is like that. Seems like we get things going semi- smoothly and then we feel the urge to change. It keeps things exciting. Or something like that.

Natalie, the Chickenblogger said...

Aha! You see, I feel I have yet to manage to achieve even "semi-smoothly," and one could argue that there is plenty of "excitement" around here. But you're right... sometimes making change is an irresistible urge.

judy in ky said...

Looking at buildings? What are you planning? Sounds like a big enterprise! We can't wait to see. Forty-something? You have plenty of time!

Miriam said...

I look at your dining table and think "What an interesting family that is!" After all, it's crammed with art supplies and robot pieces and musical instruments and homemade preserves, not boxed sugary cereal and comic books and TV remotes. You may feel mediocre - I know what that feels like! - but I can assure you, you are NOT! I never, ever read a post of yours without wishing you were my neighbour.

What ideas are you and Geoff tossing around - anything you'd like to share?

judy in ky said...

If you think you are mediocre, you are putting the rest of us to shame. I haven't accomplished half of what you have, with your family and your crafts and all. I just don't understand why you are so hard on yourself.

Natalie, the Chickenblogger said...

Judy, I'm sorry. I am practicing a bad habit... putting myself down, feeling inadequate, comparing myself with some pretty spectacular individuals... oh, gosh, that's more than one bad habit. I am sorry if I've made anyone feel any degree of "shame." I have these rationales and stories I believe, and I essentially it just makes me feel justified in being disappointed in myself. For some reason I happen to think everyone else is spectacular, but I can't seem to muster the same message for me.

Okay. Obviously I have esteem issues, but honest: I do not want to ever contribute to a dynamic of comparisons and self doubt for my friends. You're right, I am hard on myself, and I don't understand it, either... and I even feel like I show restraint in my self criticism.

Thank you, Judy. You've helped me. I have stuff to think about, figure out.

judy in ky said...

Well, you seem pretty spectacular from here. I wish you could see it for yourself. As I get older I realize that I could have done a lot more if I had born a couple of decades later. I grew up before "women's lib"; I was already through college and married when "Ms Magazine" came out. Women in my generation weren't expected to do much and I feel disappointed about that. I think it's great that you want to do "more" but I'm sorry you feel so disappointed in yourself so far.

CaJoBo said...

Actually this is what I was thinking: "What pretty flowers, did she grow them? And crafts and legos and music, seems like she has done such a great job with her bright, creative children. And holy cow, did she put up that jar of tomatoes? Wish I knew how to do that!"

Seems like often it's hardest to see our own gifts and talents. Good luck with whatever direction you choose!

Chick Insanity said...

Just run across your blog and happy to see it's current :D Loving the fact that you have chickens in your blog as well :D I have a chicken blog I just started recently...gotta love them! Will be reading more :D