Tuesday, April 24, 2007

"American Behavior Guide"

or "Sad Stuff I Notice"

Stay on the Phone
No matter where you are or who you are with, stay on the phone. Talk loudly on the phone, so that every stranger around you knows that you are "seeking treatment," "have found an ointment" or "know the best place for those." Be emphatic and loud while talking in crowded public places, so that we all know perfectly well that your neighbor is "So, stupid," or "Such a beotch." Do not make eye contact with anyone in your vicinity or make any indication that you are aware that you are in the presence of real, live, breathing humans. Particularly, if you are possibly standing or strolling in areas provided for public access, be sure that your phone call is so absorbing that you cannot possibly step aside to accommodate aforementioned humans; make them wait or squeeze around you. Also, should you be using a well hidden Blue Tooth and should anyone present, but outside of your personal phoning realm, mistake your "hello" for a friendly greeting directed at them, curse them and cast aspersions at them with your eyes. If you wear big, dark, designer sunglasses, then sneer and turn haltingly.

All of the above of course applies to drive time too. Dial while changing lanes. Do not signal. Signaling shows you care. If you've called everyone you can think of and still have miles to go before you are at the mall, salon, spa, daycare, then perhaps this is the opportune time to apply make-up and curl your eyelashes. Be sure to drive 6-10 miles per hour slower than traffic, so people know you are skilled and adept at multitasking.

In parking lots, whether or not you are on the phone, do not drive slowly, cautiously, considerately or within reason. Do not let anyone, under any circumstance back out of their space, unless you want it. If you see someone slowly, carefully easing out of their parking space, speed up and if necessary honk at them. Leer in disgust as you screech around them. Pedestrians are scum superfluous obstacles an inconvenience. If they must cross, whether at school or the mall, church, the post office, then slow down sufficiently enough for them to scurry out of your way and wave them through. Do not come to a complete stop and make kind gestures or smile to indicate you are patient or caring. All of this is especially crucial at school and your place of worship, because no one should come between you and your God, or your precious child.

Wear big, dark, designer sunglasses and any other merchandise you can afford, or charge, with name brands, logos and other corporate billboards printed boldly and proudly. These are most effective when displayed on your chest, and/or ass, but can also appear down your shirt sleeves, around your shoes and all over your handbag. Designers or corporations need your support, and wearing "Juicy" across your butt is proof that 1. Corporate America loves and supports you and 2. You have amazing taste, incredible fashion sense, brilliant reasoning skills, and more money/credit than pedestrians and other peons. Oh, and the big, dark, designer sunglasses will help you disassociate, and prevent you from having to exchange nonverbal communication. Just let them read your butt.

That is all for today. Plug in your iPod, dial your cell phone, adjust your thong, and get out there. The world is a big beautiful place just waiting for you to explore and appreciate.


Tarie said...

Whoa. Oh no, did something specific happen? =(

Natalie said...

It's sad... I see more and more indifference and unsocial behavior and I guess I couldn't resist summing it all up in one satirical/snarky post.